remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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