There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
