Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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