I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
