So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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