I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
