is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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