Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize