My liver just broke up with me...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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