You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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