im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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