Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
