Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
