You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
