if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
