Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
