How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
