Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize