I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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