I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
