my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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