Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
