i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
