so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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