True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
