just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
