foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
