My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
