So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
