oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
