my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
