Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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