The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
