from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
