and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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