I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
