two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The uberlube is also flammable
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize