please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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