just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
