laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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