literally had 100 drinks last night.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize