I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
