So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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