Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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