i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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