WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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