I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
