I accidentally had phone sex last night
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
