my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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