Define "chronic" masturbator.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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