Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
