i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
