Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
