The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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