im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
