i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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