Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
