last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
